What is your earliest memory?

Makes me think of a book I am reading called "The Chemistry of Connection" about how oxytocin (the chemical released by our brains which is responsible for making us feel loved and secure, and allows us to bond to others) is developed in the brain of a child. While we are all "hard-wired" to love and bond, it is not automatic, rather it is a learned response. Our primary care giver when we are infants (usually mother but not always) plays a huge part in teaching us (by the way she/he interacts with us) our "oxytocin response". Literally, a pattern of how to love is learned by the child's brain which will write the script for how we form relationships in the future, be they with friends, family, or lovers. Fascinating book.

BTW - They have discovered that a child who does not form a healthy "oxytocin response" can learn to love even into old age. So, don't despair if you had a less than perfect model for learning to love!

Jason, I don't mean to imply that you are defective in this area. Please don't be offended! LOL!!!  It's just that your comment about how your mother would leave you to cry and cry is a perfect example of how a child's brain, when it's exposed to that type of treatment repeatedly, will over time create a "oxytocin script" that learns to associate love (i.e. nurturing, contentment, satiety etc.) with being ignored. As an adult this person might choose partners that ignore him/her not realizing that his brain has learned this pattern.

Yeah it is really!

I have really good memories from my childhood, was a very good time!

Absolutely! They talk about that too, and give an example of a woman who was spoiled rotten as a child and as she grew up she found it difficult to form lasting connections with men she would date, because when they didn't give her the amount of attention that she was used to, her oxytocin levels would drop dramatically and she was literally unable to form a connection with them. It wasn't until she found a man whose oxytocin response matched her own that she was able to commit!

No parent is perfect and most (With the exception of a few right Krissy? ) do their best to give their children the care that they require and deserve, but we all learn our "oxytocin script" automatically by the way we are treated as children, especially during the first three years of life. It's not a conscious choice, it just happens. So even a well intentioned parent who for example follows the school of thought that it's better to let a child cry herself to sleep is teaching that child's brain to release oxytocin only after she has been ignored first and then cuddled.

It's really fascinating stuff!