Albert and the Lion

This interested me beyond belief. Many years ago I recited this monologue at a Young People's Fellowship I then belonged to.

I got the bug then to learn another 14 or so such ditties and have been reciting them for more years than I care to remember.

Your presentation is fantastic.Ed.

THE RETURN OF ALBERT

Picture by Nicholas. R. Taylor.

You've 'eard 'ow young Albert Ramsbottom

in the Zoo up at Blackpool one year

With a stick with an 'orses 'ead 'andle

Gave a lion a poke in the ear.

Picture by mike smith

The name of the lion was Wallace,

the poke in 'is ear made 'im wild

before you could say 'Bobs your uncle',

'ed up and 'ed eaton the child.

Picture by Peter Evans

'E were sorry the moment 'ed done it,

wit' children 'eed always been chums,

besides 'ed no teeth in 'is noddle

'e couldnt chew Albert wi't gums.

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'E could feel lad movin inside 'im,

as 'e lay on 'is bed of dried ferns,

and it might 'ave been little lads birthday,

'E wish 'im 'many happy returns'.

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But Albert kept kickin' and fighting,

'til wallace arose feeling bad

e' felt it was time that 'e started

to stage a come-back for't lad.

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so with 'is 'ead down in a corner

on 'is front paws 'e started to walk,

'e coughed an 'e sneezed an 'e gargled

Till Albert shot out like a cork.

Picture by Peter Evans

Old wallace felt better directly

'is figure once more became lean

the only difference with Albert

'is 'ands and 'is face now were clean

Picture by Nicholas. R. Taylor.

Meanwhile Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom

'ad gone 'ome for tea feeling blue

Ma says 'I feel down in the mouth like'

Pa said 'Aye, bet Albert does too'.

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Said Ma 'It just goes to show you

that the future is never revealed,

if i'd thought we were going to loose 'im

I wouldnt 'ave 'ad 'is boots soled and 'eeled.

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Lets look on 't bright side', said father

'What cant be 'elped must be endured,

every cloud 'as a silver lining,

we did 'ave young Albert insured.

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A knock on the door came that moment,

as father these kind words did speak

't was the man from 't Prudential,

'Ed called for their tuppence, per person, per week.

Picture by Peter Evans

when Father saw who'ed been knocking,

'E laughed and 'e kept laughing so,

The young man said 'whats there to laugh at?

Pa said, 'you'll laugh an 'all when you know'

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Excuse 'im for laughing, said Mother

'but really things 'appen so strange'

our Alberts been ate by a lion,

'You've got to pay us for a change'.

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Said the young feller from the Prudential

' now come, come, lets understand this,

'you dont mean to say that youve lost' im?

Oh no! we know were 'e is.

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When the young man 'ad 'eard all the details

A bag from 'is pocket he drew

'e paid them with interest and bonus

The sum of nine pounds, four, and two.

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Pa 'ad scarce got 'is 'and on the money,

when a face through the window did see

mother said 'e look, its Albert'

and Father said 'Aye, it would be'

Picture by Jane Susan Elliff-Glennon

Young Albert came in all exited

and started 'is storey to give

Pa said 'i'll never trust Lions again

not as long as I flippin live

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The young feller from the Prudential

To pick up the money began,

Father said 'Eeh!, just a moment

Dont be in a 'urry, young man'

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'E gave young Albert a Shilling,

and said' pop off quick, back t' Zoo

'Ers your stick with the 'orses 'ead 'andle

Go an see what the TIGERS can do!

Picture by Michael Nunn

In