Jokes

Oh, and Ray,  nice one!

To Sarah, Andy, Lyn, Diana, Dennis, and any other jokers I may have missed.

What a laugh you have given me. As I wipe the tears from my eyes and blow my nose on my sleeve. I have to say 'Keep 'em coming.' 

p.s. Did you hear the one about the Irishman who went into a restaurant? He ordered and paid for his meal....and when he though the waiter wasn't looking, he sneaked out without eating it!

Ray S. 

Here is a true story, only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.

I was teaching a group of 'special needs' young adults one day when 'Diane' who often exhibited challenging behaviour, suddenly became agitated because someone had mentioned the words 'Fire Alarm' which acted as a trigger to one of her obessions. I immediately took her to one side, and using a well tried and tested calming technique with her, I said

'Now Diane, remember what I have told you in the past. Think of something nice. you remember your last holiday?'

'Yes' said Diane 'It was good on the beach'.

Me 'Take deep breaths and relax then; think of sitting on that beach, the water lapping around your feet. You can feel the sun warm on your face, you can hear children laughing and enjoying themselves in the sunshine.'

Diane's face relaxed and softened, a trace of a smile appeared. I warmed to my theme.

Me: 'Diane, think of the great time you had building sand castles with your sister.'

Diane really started to smile, and a look of contentment replaced the furrowed brow.

Me: 'You know what? I can see an ice cream van. He has stopped. You are walking up to the van and you have just bought the biggest ever ice cream cone, your favourite flavour, with a big flake in it.'

Suddenly, Diane's lovely smile faded rapidly to be replaced by a thunderous and agitated look.

Me 'Oh Diane, you were doing so well, whatever is the matter?'

Diane ' I just dropped my bloody ice cream in the sand!' 

Ray S. 

Sue,

I am sorry I missed you off the list of 'jokers' A 'senior moment' Please forgive me, grovel grovel

Rasy S. 

Harold's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Harold replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Harold interrupted.

"I haven't added them up yet."

Barak Obama was speaking in the common room of a "retirement home" the other day, before an audience of elderly citizens.  As he was speaking, people were coming in and leaving, talking loudly to each other, playing cards, and generally behaving as if he wasn't there.  This in turn motivated him to speak louder and with greater emphasis.  After about a half-hour of this, in exasperation he placed his hand on one old fellow's shoulder and asked: "Hey, don't you people know who I am?"  The aged gentleman softly replied: "No, but if you go up to the front desk, they can tell you."

Susie's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. Things looked grim, but she was by his bedside every single day. One day as he slipped back into consciousness, he motioned for her to come close to him. She pulled the chair close to the bed and leaned her ear close to be able to hear him.

"You know" he whispered, his eyes filling with tears, "you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you stuck right beside me. When my business went under, there you were. When we lost the house, you were there. When I got shot, you stuck with me. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. "And you know what?"

"What, dear?" she asked gently, smiling to herself.

"I think you're bad luck."

That's a good one Diana!

Now Ted attended Church each week with regularity

His voice sustained the meagre choir with basic harmony

But playing cricket was to him the first of all his loves

On Saturday's you'd find him dressed in batting gear and gloves

But one thing troubled Edward's mind through sermon, hymn and prayer

Heaven could not Heaven be unless there's cricket there

One Sunday after morning Church, the Vicar beckoned Ted

And took him to the vestry, where he kindly smiled and said

I've been in touch with Heaven for you, and from enquires made,

There is a Heavenly cricket league with teams of every grade

But that's not all, he added, then, I also have to say

They told me that they've got you down

To play next Saturday