Jokes

When I die, I hope I go peacefully in my sleep - like my grandfather.

Not screaming in panic like his passengers!

Dennis,

You intrigue me...or did I miss something?  LOL!

Perhaps that wasn't very funny...  O.K.  let's try this one:

 So, this new guy in town makes a local pub his new hangout.  Every day he sits in the same spot, and orders 3 beers in three glasses.  He sits there, sipping from them all until they are empty, then gets up and leaves.  After some months, the bartender's curiosity gets the better of him, so hes asks the fellow "Why do you always order three beers at the same time?  Why not one at a time?"  "Well", replied the stranger, "it's like this.  When I was back at home, my two brothers and I liked to get together and have a beer.  Once we got older and went our separate ways, we agreed to remember those good days by drinking a beer for each other wherever we were." 

This went on for several more months, until one day, this fellow came in and ordered only two beers.  With a sad countenance the bartender brought the beers to his table, and placing them down said "I'm very sorry for your loss.  Did one of your brothers die?"  "Oh no" laughed the patron.  "It's not like that at all!  You see, my wife and I started attending church, and the pastor convinced me that I should give up drinking.  So I did.  But my brothers still drink!"

O.K., one more:

A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

Two Nuns are  driving through Transylvania just as it is getting dusk. suddenly, from behind a bush, out jumps Dracula, right onto the car's bonnet.

The passenger Nun grabs the driver Nun's arm and shrieks 'Quick Sister Teresa; show him your cross.'

Sister Teresa leaps out of her car, puts her hands on her hips and says.. 'Look you..get off my car this instant!' 

 Ray S.

Now this is embarrassing!  Back in my earlier joke about the engineer in he**, I guess I had a problem "here-ing" because I couldn't spell "here," well, to "save my life" as it were...  Misspelled it twice!  I guess the joke's on me!

DW