Jokes

< Previous 1 ... 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 ... 47 Next >

	Forums > Off-Topic Chat > Jokes
Denzil Tregallion Posts: 1552 Joined: 26th May 2008 Location: United Kingdom	quotePosted at 20:01 on 4th June 2008 That must have been a terible accident Diana
Ron Brind Posts: 2114 Joined: 11th Jun 2007 Location: United Kingdom	quotePosted at 20:32 on 4th June 2008 Hells Bells Diana!
Ray Stear Posts: 1158 Joined: 25th Apr 2008 Location: United Kingdom	quotePosted at 21:25 on 4th June 2008 On 4th June 2008 15:12, Ruth Gregory wrote: On 4th June 2008 12:44, Diana Sinclair wrote: On 4th June 2008 07:18, Lyn Greenaway wrote: I've lost the plot here lol LOL! It does seem to happen alot in these threads doesn't it Lyn!?! LOL! Hi Diana & Lyn: Yes, it does. I think it's Denzil's fault. But this one's jokes, so here's one I recently got on email that I thought was kinda cute: DOG DIARY: 8:00 am Dog food..... ! My Favorite Thing! 9:30 am A car ride..... ! My Favorite Thing! 9:40 am A walk in the park..... ! My Favorite Thing! 10:30 am Got rubbed and petted..... ! My Favorite Thing! 12:00 pm Lunch..... ! My Favorite Thing! 1:00 pm Played in the yard..... ! My Favorite Thing! 3:00 pm Wagged my tail..... ! My Favorite Thing! 5:00 pm Milk bones..... ! My Favorite Thing!..... ! 7:00 pm Got to play ball..... ! My Favorite Thing! 8:00 pm Wow! Watched TV with the people..... ! My Favorite Thing! 11:00pm Sleeping on the bed..... ! My Favorite Thing! CAT DIARY: Day 983 of my captivity My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry cereal. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped it would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a " good little hunter" I am. B******S! There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies'. I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow ~ but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released~ and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the Guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now....................... Hello everyone. busy day at work. Ruth, that is so funny. lol. I would rather be a cat. The dog has such a boring life. lol Ray.
Ruth Gregory Posts: 3007 Joined: 25th Jul 2007 Location: USA	quotePosted at 04:02 on 5th June 2008 Hi Ray & Diana: Ain't it true?
Diana Sinclair Posts: 3605 Joined: 3rd Apr 2008 Location: USA	quotePosted at 12:51 on 5th June 2008 LOL @ Ray; I agree (and so does my cat)! LOL!
Diana Sinclair Posts: 3605 Joined: 3rd Apr 2008 Location: USA	quotePosted at 13:16 on 5th June 2008 A minister was completing a Temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." Sermon complete, he sat down. The song leader stood very cautiously and announced a little nervously, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365 "Shall We Gather at the River"
Ray Stear Posts: 1158 Joined: 25th Apr 2008 Location: United Kingdom	quotePosted at 14:15 on 5th June 2008 Hi Diana. LOL@you. I don't really understand the joke because I actually don't drink much at all....I spill most of it! Also, I think your cat is biased! Ruth, Hi Ruth, Yes absolutely true. I have just read the joke out to my dog. She just yawned, closed her eyes, scratched a flea, and you could see she was thinking 'I like this the best' stupid Mutt! Ray.
Jo Adams Posts: 231 Joined: 23rd Sep 2006 Location: United Kingdom	quotePosted at 14:48 on 5th June 2008 As a fairly newbie here I've just read through all the jokes and they've given me a laugh. I received this one by email recently but although names were given I removed them (for obvious reasons). You could add names of your choice though! A driver was stuck in a traffic jam going into Central London. Nothing is moving north or south Suddenly a man knocks on his window. The driver rolls down his window and asks "What happened? What is the hold-up?" "Terrorists have kidnapped three of our senior MPs. They are asking for a £10 million ransom, otherwise they are going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection". The driver asks "On average, how much is everyone giving?" Wait for it ..... "About a gallon"
Peter Evans Posts: 3049 Joined: 20th Aug 2006 Location: United Kingdom	quotePosted at 15:14 on 5th June 2008 Nice one JO. He he he.
Ruth Gregory Posts: 3007 Joined: 25th Jul 2007 Location: USA	quotePosted at 15:33 on 5th June 2008 Hi Jo: He, he, he. I might have to Americanize that one and send it to my friends over here. Ray, your dog is starting to sound like a cat. My cats routinely do the same, although they call me, "Peasant," before they go back to sleep.