Are children damaged by divorce?

Children will  not be faked out. No matter the smiling facade overlay ( unhappy parents staying together for the children ~ nonsense ) and whatever the agenda.. money, security, 'saving face'...an in utero fetus experiences stress hormones, sound ( of screaming) etc.. and knows/understands what is happening in it's environment and there is no way to avoid the instinctual alert and fear response ( on a cellular level ) to toxicity.. in the 'family' setting  .Home Theatre of dishonesty instills mistrust in a child, and undermines integrity and self esteem, translating into health issues, emotional dysfunction and eventual acting out in society.  A child is a living organism that wants to live.. not be under threat by idiotic selfish parents who are fumbling their way, constrained by so-called rules and unrealistic expectations ( to live happily ever after )... laid out by church and state.  So get rid of the glue of societal GUILT and free each individual to fully realise a joyful, creative life. Shrinks are making a lot of green on this so they like to keep people dependent and attending 'counselling' instead of people taking the gate to freedom.

 Secure the innocent child / children in an intelligent, loving relationship with someone who actually cares. Leave the mismatched co-dependent parents to duke it out somewhere out of range.

I think if both parents understand that even though you are not together anymore you still need to parent together.  I am lucky with my ex. We understood this from the very beginning and I think we are doing an ok job. We get along with each other and I get along with this wife. My daughter told me on Sat that she does not feel badly affected by the divorce. Her dad and I talk everyday and we get out heads together when there is a problem.

My parents however, did not do so well.  My mother especially. She married a man that was not good for us. My father did. My stepmom was an amazing person.  If my mom and stepdad treated my dad with the respect he deserved then things would have been ok and not the mess they left us with for the next 30 years.

I think if the parents can put aside their differences and realize they are still parents and can parent together then it should be an easier transistion. Not a happy for for the child, but easier.

Krissy you have seen the effects of divorce from both perspectives - as a child and as a mother. It is really commendable that you work well with the girls' father and his wife and have done such a good job with bringing up your daughters. My sister did the same with her eldest son, his father left them when he was 2. He says now that he is glad that they split when he was young as some of his friends who were teenagers when their parents split were more affected by the trauma.

I have been lucky - my parents had a happy stable marriage (lots of arguments but they loved each other!) and I have a happy stable marriage too. I was lucky that I did not have children with my first husband or it would have been a different story!

I think that it is all up to the way the divorce is handled as to whether it affects the children. Think Ruth put it perfectly.

Thank you Stephanie!!!

Hi Paul:  Very good points.  But I think there's a difference between children of single parents who've never had the other parent in their lives and the ones who have.  Whether the parents were legally married is beside the point really, to a child, if the parents end up going their separate ways.  A child whose one parent is suddenly no longer part of the family suffers loss and consequently a grief response.  A child who grew up with only one parent in his or her life from infancy might wonder about the missing parent, but probably wouldn't have that same sense of loss.

I think that's why it's so important to "put the children first," not necessarily by staying in an unhappy marriage, but by both parents being there for them in a loving and supportive way, like Krissy and her former husband have chosen to do.  You're to be commended for that, Krissy.  It's often very hard, but it's actually an act of respect for your children, to acknowledge their love for their absent parent.

I must say that I admire the way my sister Jo (Josie) and her ex-husband handled their son during and after their divorce. They both agreed that despite their personal differences, their son shouldn't be the one to pay for it, and wanted to make the separation as easy on him as possible. Jo felt that her ex was the more stable parent and the two agreed to joint custody with their son living full time at his father's house. Jo paid child support and took regular visits until my nephew's 18th birthday.

Things weren't always easy and there were disagreements along the way but despite their personal issues with each other, they really had it together where their son was concerned.